Hella Kids

This morning I finished All Quiet on the Western Front by Erich Maria Remarque. Everyone on the planet has heard of this classic, published 97 years ago, but I had never read it. It was an incredibly heavy book (emotionally heavy; the book itself is just 179 pages). 

The story is based on Remarque's own horrendous physical and psychological ordeal in the trenches of France during World War One. The reader is truly left with a sense of how horrific and utterly senseless war really is. It should be required reading for every world leader. 

But that assumes every world leader can read.

"The only good thing to come from war is camaraderie."

On a lighter note, my part of this big world woke up to cotton candy fog this morning. "Thick as pea soup" as my mother used to say, although I don't remember her ever making pea soup, In fact, I'm not sure what pea soup even looks like. I'm guessing it is thick and green, which is nothing like fog. 

A better descriptor would be "Thick as Campbell's mushroom soup." That's definitely better. Opaque and gray-ish. It resembles two-day old phlegm but it tastes great. Or should I say, M'm! M'm! Good!

But these murky mornings are welcome here. As we inch closer to spring, hour by hour, fog forms like the ghost of winter, slowly fading, melting, releasing its death grip. It actually feels satisfying to turn on the fog lights as one ventures out and about. 

Speaking of, I drove my son to jazz band this morning; he has jazz practice every morning at 7:30 AM. I give him credit, because jazz is meant to be played at midnight, when you finally find the pocket and the atmosphere of a smokey nightclub is just right; capturing that groove right after breakfast is impossible, but you do what you have to do. 

As I headed home, navigating the roundabouts, I approached a rusted out Dodge Durango from behind. I could see white lettering stenciled on the back window and being the curious type, I had to inch closer to see what it read:  

"HELLA KIDS IN THIS BITCH" in capital letters (a fancy, dancing script to give it a classy touch). 

I am too old to understand this vernacular, so I had to look it up. It turns out "hella" actually has its roots in 1970s and 1980s slang in the Bay Area of California. I'm not so sure about that because I grew up in the '70s and '80s, and I never heard of the word "hella" until No Doubt came out with a song called "Hella Good" around the turn of the 21st century. 

I presume "hella" is an adverb; roughly meaning "really" or "very." If so, the phrase "hella kids" doesn't make a lot of sense to me. "Hella kids in this bitch" obscures the meaning even more. The "bitch" part could mean the Durango itself, or perhaps it refers to the driver of the Durango, who could be pregnant. 

Regardless, the essence of the meaning, I am guessing, is a redneck/white ghetto interpretation of "Baby On Board."

Either way, I give Durango credit for spelling everything correctly, because the "t" is silent in "bitch," and it is frequently overlooked. 

Hella well done, Durango.

Windy Day

 Not really sure what to write this Sunday morning. I lead a most boring life. 

This past Monday was the first Halloween evening shift I worked in 15 or 16 years. I've always had Halloween evening off so I could take the kids trick-or-treating. But that is now part of history. It went by so fast and it sure was fun. Instead of trick or treating, my daughter and a couple of her friends went door to door collecting canned goods for the school's food shelf (part of the high school's Interact Club, I believe), but my son wasn't interested in getting dressed up.

So I worked Halloween night. 

I reviewed my health insurance benefits this morning and submitted that (the annual "benefits review"). I'm not even sure if I am going to be employed at this place in another six months, but obviously my family can't be without health insurance. I hate this feeling of the unknown. Some people fly by the seat of their pants every day. That's not me. 

In other news, we are still waiting for the panel for our upstairs shower, so we are still functioning on a single shower. We're going on two months now. Nice.

Deer hunting opener was yesterday. I woke to the sound of gunfire this morning. There is a slough just to the west of our house and it is a prime hunting location (deer, duck, etc.). It is only about a mile away and for 21 years I've been waiting for a bullet to come flying through my house. Hasn't happened yet, but it always enters my mind this time of year.

The clocks fell back last night. The sun now officially sets at 5:00 PM, and it is only going to get earlier. I absolutely hate this time of year; I can't stand these 13, 14, 15 hour nights. I need one of those happy lights that make you think the sun is still up. 

Several forecasts are suggesting snow on Thursday/Friday. Weather Underground is forecasting 4" of snow, Accuweather is calling for a wintry mix, Apple Weather says an inch or so. The common denominator is a near certainty that it will snow later this coming week. I am on call Thursday, naturally. 

A very windy day today, so something must be brewing...

The '78 approach

 I was just a kid in 1978, but I do believe life wasn't quite as hectic as it is today. No smartphones. No internet. Instant access to information was science fiction. Life just came at you and you dealt with stuff on a day-by-day basis. You learned about the world on the evening news with John Chancellor (NBC) or Walter Cronkite (CBS). You got local news from the newspaper (Bertha Herald) and radio (KWAD). 

Whatever was going to happen tomorrow was saved for tomorrow. 

That's not the case today with all the conveniences of modern technology and instant information. In fact, instant access and up-to-the-second information can cause a great deal of unwarranted anxiety.

What do I mean? I'm glad you asked!

I bought a new iPhone 14 for my wife early last week. She has a very old iPhone 8 with a battery ready for the graveyard and it is way past due for an upgrade. I ordered the new phone from Verizon and it was shipped via UPS; I've done this at least five times in the past and things have always gone smoothly. 

Not this time. But if it wasn't for instant information, I wouldn't be nearly as stressed.

The main cause for my consternation is this new phone is not, shall we say, cheap. And 99% of my fretting is based off that fact alone. 

Anyway, according to UPS's tracking system, my package (the new phone) arrived at the UPS facility in my city on Monday, October 17. Shortly after that, it was out for delivery. Fantastic!

Except it never arrived. 

Later that evening, the tracking system updated my package as "processing at UPS facility," still in my city, just six miles (give or take) from where I live.

I thought this was odd, but rationalized that it must have been sorted to the wrong truck for delivery (I don't know how UPS is organized); surely the phone will come Tuesday. 

Well, that didn't happen. It went unscanned for 48 hours.

This caused more than a little concern for me. Unfortunately, as I've become older, I've developed into a terrible worry-wart. I cannot just let things play out. I have to brood, agonize and lose sleep over ridiculous things (I do remember my dear grandma Walker was the same way, so maybe it is genetic). Yes, I am working very hard on that gastric ulcer. 

Always one to act prematurely, I started investigating the claims process through UPS and Verizon's policy for a lost package. I tend to take the doomsday approach to almost everything. Worst possible scenario: that's me. 

Meanwhile, I could not understand how the most technologically advanced shipping service in the world could lose a package just miles from its destination?

Somehow we go from Minnesota to Florida without a single scan. I can't even....

Now this morning, October 18, my package is "on the way" and has suddenly departed from a facility in Jacksonville, Florida.

Wait... what?

How on earth did this package go from Minnesota to Florida without being scanned even once? It was never listed as "departed" from a facility in Minnesota or "arrived" to a facility in Florida. It just POOF! appeared (and departed) in Jacksonville overnight. 

Was it even in Minnesota? But if it wasn't, why was it "out for delivery" on Monday? It hurts my brain to even think about this anymore.

In 1978, I wouldn't even be fretting about this. No, I wouldn't know where my package was RIGHT NOW and I wouldn't feel that I'd even need to know. I'd simply know that my package would eventually arrive.

No worries.

I think I need to take a more '78 approach to everything. It is much healthier.

New year update

New Year's resolutions are stupid.

I "resolved" to start writing every day, 30 minutes a day, beginning January 1st. That didn't happen. I have a dozen excuses, but they are all lame. 

Unlike many people who write, I have a terrible time coming up with something to write about. I seriously struggle with content. 

For that reason, I'm inching toward writing more fiction. Just make stuff up. I can do that, right?

So for lack of anything better to write, and since I spend hardly any time on social media anymore, here's a quick update on life as I know it.

~

Our Christmas was very nice. We spent time with family; on Christmas morning my son got his Oculus Quest he'd been wanting (for over a year) and my daughter got a new phone. No, it wasn't a cheap Christmas, but they've been rockstars in school, they stay out of trouble (for the most part), and good behavior does not go unnoticed by Santa Claus.

Ava getting her new phone

Neil could not believe his eyes

Besides, we spend lots of money on bills; spending a bit of green and putting a smile on our kids' faces is what life is about. I doubt I will lay on my deathbed thinking, "I'm so glad I paid that credit card bill in full." 

~

Coming soon: I'm going to put on a brave face and take my daughter driving in this white crap. My wife simply refuses to do it. Winter driving is a life skill the kid must have prior to getting her license. But I've got a secret to share with you all: I don't want to do it.

~

I've been spending most of my time at work, which I cannot talk about, of course, due to HIPAA. I have a thousand funny stories I could share. Maybe someday when I am retired I will write a tell-all book... 

In fact, I already have a copyrighted title: Nursing and Cursing: My Colorful Life as a Registered Nurse. Cursing someday to a bookstore near you.

I spend my free time writing (when the spirit moves me), and reading--my latest book is a biography on Ava Gardner. I became interested in learning more about her life after reading a biography on Frank Sinatra. It is funny how you read one book and it ignites your interest in another subject or person you'd never given a thought to in the past. In fact, that's why I read.

I've also been watching football--lots of football. I can never get enough football. The FBS bowl games are beyond lame and the Vikings suck this year (it is time for a full reset, kids). However, I'm really looking forward to NDSU Bison playing for a ninth national championship this Saturday. 

Tradition dictates that my family go out for Mexican/Tex-Mex the night before the national championship. It has worked eight times since 2011. So guess what we will be eating Friday night?! (Why Mexican/Tex-Mex, you ask? The championship game is played in Frisco, Texas).

So there you go, a quick update from yours truly... politically correct and non-controversial.

"About Me"

When I was a sophomore at the University of Minnesota, the greatest motivation I ever received was after submitting a crappy essay for a literature class. Although I failed to use footnotes properly and got a B on the paper, my professor scribbled in the corner of the page, “Never stop writing!”

To this day, I am not sure if this was a general philosophy offered to all pseudo-intellectuals like myself, or if it was personal encouragement. I just knew that it made me feel good. It was the best B I ever got in college.

After celebrating my half-century birthday a couple of years ago, I decided to be brave (or stupid) and start sharing my lifelong love for writing with other people. After more than fifty trips around the sun, I felt maybe I had something worthwhile to share, although I wasn’t sure what that might be.

In October I started a website called www.forty-leven.com, devoted to the joy of jotting down life stuff. 

My closest brush with fame came about twenty years ago, when I was selected as a finalist in the Minneapolis Star Tribune’s “Joe Fan” sports columnist contest. All I won was a lousy Star Tribune hoodie, but it encouraged me to keep writing.

I’ve had poetry published in a compilation called A Far Off Place and when I was a senior in high school, a Chinese foreign exchange teacher selected one of my essays to be published in his hometown newspaper (I assume it was translated to Mandarin). All I got was a lousy silk handkerchief.

Still, I felt emboldened to keep writing.

I am passionate about books, music, history, football (American), coffee and craft beer. Most of all, I enjoy observing to the world around me and reporting what I see with a sarcastic, off-color twist. I like writing about life stuff.

My greatest inspiration are my two children--their minds never turn off--and my biggest accomplishment is being married for 25 years (and counting) to a pretty nice gal.

Thank you for taking a moment to get better acquainted with me. Now I will hold my breath, press “Publish,” and hope I don’t embarrass myself.